I feel like shit.
I could say something poetic and meaningful or something like "it comes in waves but can hit you like a rock", but I'm not going to. Well, I just did, but I don't mean it.
It's like ice inside your body. You become so cold and frozen like you can't move. Even when you've had a good day on paper, you can still feel like shit. You sit there crying your eyes out as you stare at your phone screen, unable to move. But you keep watching, keep looking at what triggers you- or what doesn't. You don't always know what triggers you. Sometimes the chemicals just change in your brain. The over-saturated, over-edited lives you see online become too much - even when you're not apart of that life; you just watch from the side-lines.
This past year and a half has been hell for me. Nothing is going right. I don't know why I should keep trying. I'm an empty shell about to explode. A grenade. A ticking time bomb waiting for someone to pull the trigger or stab me in the heart.
Ever since my dad got ill in January 2016, my life changed. Everything was different. I had to adjust to a new normal - a dad with cancer. October 2016 took a complete 360° and my dad died. That's when things really began to get worse, even worse than before. I felt empty, so fucking empty. I still feel so stupid as I even went to school the day he died, yes, you read that right, the day he died. What was I thinking?!
I still feel sad and angry that my dad died, but it's not just that. I'm still so fucking crushed that my best friend ditched me and hates my guts - she won't even look at me in the eyes. I can't get over what happened or move on; I just can't. It overpowers my brain and still lingers in my mind, despite taking place six months ago. I just can't move on. I still bring it up with my other friends even though I know what's done is done and that it's annoying and repetitive to keep bringing it up, but I can't help it as it's always playing in my mind. I just wish I could turn back the clock and not push her away. She never tried to help though, not really. She let me drift off further and further and didn't try and stop me. I was too much. Who would want to be friends with a girl with depression who just lost their dad when instead, you can have so many more, better friends who don't have these issues? It's my fault though. Everything that happens is because of me.
I don't fit in with my other friends, none of them understand or have been through similar situations. One of my closest friends wants to commit suicide so to say I have an unstable environment around me is an understatement. I can't cope with the on-going thought of my friend wanting to kill herself. I can't cope or deal with it anymore but I can't leave her as I'm one of the only reasons that she's still here.
There's still so much more on my plate right now like the fact that my GCSEs begin in just over a week and I'm not prepared in the slightest. I had my first exam yesterday and today which was art but that didn't really feel like an exam as I was literally just drawing, printing and painting for 10 hours which I really enjoyed (plus 2.5 hours next week as I have extra time as I'm dyslexic - don't ask me how extra time works for art as I haven't got a clue). Anyway, my life is a mess, my brain is a mess and I need to vent. This blog shall be that place for now. Maybe one day I'll tell my depression story in detail, or the story of my dad.
Until then,
Breathe and remember that time heals all wounds and one day, you and I will both be clean.
Stay strong, you are loved. I love you.
love, xoxofearlessgirl
